Aaron Rodgers is the bane of existence for lots of sports activities writers lately. Preposterously silly story after impossibly dumb anecdote will get leaked, and we’re left operating after him like he’s a canine with IBS — clean dumps and all. Affordable human beings have moved on to an method of “Simply inform me when he will get traded,” and I couldn’t co-sign on that outlook extra. If solely we at Deadspin may very well be so fortunate to be freed from the Inexperienced Bay quarterback and his ongoing existential meltdown.
Let’s say — and that is purely hypothetical — that we simply stopped protecting Rodgers. Determining make up for the loss in visitors could be tough, however I’m assured we may Moneyball our method to make up the distinction through slideshows, Scott Hatteberg, and different loopholes. Clearly, it’d be tough to cowl the Jets if we went by means of with it, but it’s the fucking Jets, in order that wasn’t a deal breaker.
In fact, my editors pushed again and pushed again after initially refusing to even entertain the prospect in any respect. Lo and behold, months later, they relented, and it solely took me begging inside an inch of my job like 73 instances.
So, with out additional ado, it’s my excessive pleasure to announce to you, the web, that Deadspin has put a protection pause on Rodgers. That’s proper A-A-Ron, go fuck your self. You’re not attention-grabbing, neither is Pat McAfee, and eventually, we’re in a position to higher make the most of our work days as a substitute of vomiting up 200 phrases each time Rogers will get indigestion.
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Sure, that is completely an web stunt. There’s an iota of journalistic integrity to it, however the crux of what we’re doing was taken from the Rodgers playbook. And that’s, when unsure, concoct unrelenting, unapologetic ploys for consideration. And what higher manner to do this than to journey the fumes of probably the most obnoxious, most seen athlete/storyline out proper now?
We’re not ESPN or The Athletic, and because of this, our dedication to the bit will be larger than our dedication to protecting Rodgers. Might this flip right into a three-month shun with occasional unshun-reshun headlines for the large tales to “do our job” however be a dick about it? Yeah, that’s in all probability what’s going to occur. Ideally, we’re in a position to maintain off breaking the seal so long as doable, or not less than till the specter of termination turns right into a promise of dismissal.
One of the best ways to mood an egomaniac is to slap them with silence. It’s an Amish method. I used to be shunned from age 4 till my sixth birthday for not saving the surplus oil from a can of tuna. And have a look at how I turned out. Sure, I’m mildly self-absorbed, however not less than I’ve some semblance of self-awareness.
Talking of which, my self-aggrandization alarm has been buzzing for the previous couple of paragraphs, so I’m going to wrap this up. You see that, Rodgers? Much less is extra — and hopefully what we’re not saying about No. 12 speaks volumes because it pertains to how a lot ink this jackass deserves.